NOTE: This Op-Ed/Blog page contains Patricia Kawaja's published observations and cultural commentary after 20 years in Florida. Most are excerpts from her Union Jack Newspaper, Florida Brit Magazine, Mad Dogs and other publications written since 1991. These are first hand observations of the British-American cultural divide. [Still finishing this--massive job--editing down hundreds of my newspaper columns for the best bits and other sources, so excuse this work in progress--PK].
Published 2001-2007
► PUBLISHED In 20?? BAD BOY BRITS IN FLORIDA Got this enquiry recently from an American lady in South Florida [her name and city withheld by me]: " I understand that my husband has commited a crime in England and absconded bail in approximate 1987. I would like to have a background check on him done on him. Please advise how do I go about it." I was happy to hook her up with one of my British business associates in the security business to do a background check on her British spouse. He has apparently managed to evade English law by lurking in The Sunshine State for 20 years. He's not the only one. Florida has a number of British conmen and crooks here, attracted by the idea of a get-rich-quick life in Florida. The British Consulate in Orlando has on file numerous past and present expat transgressors in various Florida jails. My office receives reports of ingenue UK émigrés conned by fellow Brits. Most problems emanate from the Orlando/Kissimmee area due to the ripe pickings offered by streams of tourists looking to buy homes or E2 visa businesses there. SO BELOVED READERS BEWARE: These days, don't automatically trust your fellow countrymen you find in Florida. ► Published August 2007 LANGUAGE USE HERE WHICH IRKS MY EARS: This really sticks in my craw and underlines the American attitude of their way is better because……..er, no valid reason, except because it’s the American method. Have you noticed that every time they refer to UK driving habits, they say the Brits drive on the WRONG side of the road. I even heard NBC Travel editor Peter Greenberg advise viewers that in England they drive on the wrong side of the road. What arrogance. What they should say is, the British drive on the LEFT side of the road. Since we were building roads a thousand years before the first American was a twinkle in a Mayflower sailor’s eye, we had the first authority to choose right or left.
► PUBLISHED JULY 2007 SOPPY QUESTION DU JOUR: Email I received from an American woman in Canada, who wants to retire to Florida with her Welsh husband: "Please send me information about Welsh choirs in Florida. I wish my husband to continue with his choir when we move." Now why would there even be one Welsh choir in Florida, never mind several? The odds are miniscule of finding in a foreign country, enough Welsh people, never mind Welsh singers all living in the same city necessary to form said choir? She was quite taken aback when I said there were no Welsh choirs in Florida. There was once a Welsh club near Daytona I believe, founded by a lonely Welshman. NOT THE ENGLAND WE USED TO KNOW CORNER. It saddens all of us over 35 living in the USA that the country we loved has disintegrated so much. Our love remains—a chunk of my heart is always in London—but we all say we’d never go back to live. I just told an Orlando reporter that last week for an upcoming magazine article about Brits in Florida. To whit, two newspaper reports: 1] Drug production in the suburbs is so rife, run by Vietnamese producers often employing fellow illegal immigrants that Metropolitan police shut down 700 cannabis factories in London alone in 2006. 2] So many Africans have settled in England, many of whom cannot write English that one Somalian was arrested for creating a “business” sitting driving tests for them. He was arrested for impersonating his countrymen to sit the written part of the driving test over 200 times across six different counties. LANGUAGE USE HERE WHICH IRKS MY EARS: The made up word Efforting. I am starting to hear CNN reporters [not their British superstar and new CBE Christiane Amanpour of course] telling viewers, “We are efforting to get more details.” What?! Since the hideous creation “efforting” means exactly the same as “trying” and has one more syllable not useful in fast-paced news, what is the point? I am efforting to hope its usage won’t catch on. Submit British-Florida items for this column by email only. You must sign submissions with name/city/daytime phone number.
► BRITISH ACTORS ARE PROLIFERATING on American TV, you’ve doubtless noticed, especially in sitcoms. Commenting on that, the Miami Herald’s TV critic said US networks must like Brits because they work cheap. Bloody nerve. It’s because our actors are brilliant, not bargain-basement. [To underscore our appeal, American pin up Jessica Simpson told the UK press she was fascinated by actor Jude Law because “ the way his British accent makes his mouth move really turns me on. “ Quite.
► LANGUAGE USE HERE WHICH IRKS MY EARS: Redundancies. Why do Americans say horseback riding, instead of horse riding? Pray what other part of a horse can you ride? Why do they say they were snow skiing, instead of just skiing? One first assumes on snow, not water.
► There’s a famous British pub in Florida which I won’t name, because I’ve met and like the owner. Anyway, they take a huge fullpage ad out in the UK Mail on Sunday, offering a free half pint off with ad. A half pint??!! Who would show themselves up with such stinginess in an international publication? I know we Brits have a reputation for being parsimonious but this ad has made me chuckle for the last two years. Every issue I look to see if it’s been changed to the ONE FREE DRINK, standard in Florida’s bar ads. Let’s see if somebody does, after this column.
► Published May 2007 ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE here which irks my ears : That everybody now has not problems, concerns or challenges, but only ISSUES, as in: “He has issues with alcohol.” It’s not wrong—just so universally pervasive and hackneyed, that it jars. That’s what I take issue [!] with. ORLANDO The British Supermarket [407] 370-2023, a soopa--doopa place to get your UK goodies, has a new owner. Julie Patterson, I wish you well in your new venture.
► Published April 2007... In the June 2004 issue , when I urged Florida’s thousands of British-Americans to vote, so they could boot out You Know Who, I received the most vicious hate mail from an elderly American lady Bush-supporter, ordering me to go back home. Missing the point that this IS my home now and whatever the American President does affects me greatly, she mailed me three handwritten postcards with the most dreadful vitriol scrawled across. It was only to spare UJ’s publisher, whom she’d also contacted to moan about my opinion, that I didn’t mention her ramblings here----Don’t give your enemies the Oxygen of Publicity, Margaret Thatcher always said. Not out of fear. Hey, Bring It On, Lady---to quote my nasty reader's hero. So this month I make an exception, because the letter below from an American is surprising, pleasant and his PS gave me the greatest giggle in ages. March 24, 2007 [by email] Dear Patricia: I recently came across Union Jack News a couple of months ago, and I must say I enjoy your 'English Use Here' section of your Florida Page. It is very informative, and at times, quite humorous(sorry, being a 'Yank', I have to spell it that way!). It is also a great etiquette lesson for every American, who wants to know the ways of you Brits living in America. Your section teaches us how to and how not to talk to a Brit. That helps all Anglophile to be on their toes. You are absolutely correct in saying that the expression "IT SUCKS!," or "IT'S HOT!" is so incorrect to the core. It has been a popular expression in America for over 25 years, and it keeps getting worse in its usage. It seems a lot of us Yanks refuse to grow up, because those two expressions are used mostly by teenagers, and most of us Yanks don't want to do that. For shame! Also, your take about the use of "three-fourths" is right on the money, because in American schools teach children and teenagers that "three-fourths" is the most common usage of the term "three-quarters." I must admit that I do use "three-fourths," but I use "three-quarters" more than the former, because it is more proper than "three-fourths." Now, having read your column for sometime, I can now see why a lot of you Brits can't stand the "corruption" of Ye Queen's English in America. But, since us Americans or long-time residents of America prefer directness in our speech patterns, it is a habit that won't change anytime in the near future. -----My best to you, Mr. D.G. in Reseda, CA P.S: I absolutely adore that mousey picture of you in your section of Union Jack News. It makes one want to cup your face and kiss many times over. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!! You're very cute! I also adore the way that frizzy hair of yours adorns your face.
► 2007 BRITISH CELEBRITIES [and Prime Ministers] love Miami and there’s always a sprinkling of Briterati. Last month Michael Caine, who used to own a home and restaurant here, was spotted out a few times buying luggage and wine on Lincoln Road. Sir Richard Branson often whizzes in. Generally Miami loves them back, except for actor Rupert Everett. The actor used to have an apartment on trendy South Beach and was an involved, part-time resident and gay activist. Deciding to sell up, he proclaimed in his autobiography: “Once you had seen through the appalling amateurishness of South Beach, there was no looking back. You either moved there or got the hell out. Suddenly with total clarity I knew it was time to leave.” The Miami Herald reported his comments, so many in the Magic City are saying Good Riddance to the British celebrity. Rupert, methinks it more amateurish to denounce in print a place that welcomed you, giving Americans the impression that we Brits are ungracious. Simon Cowell already has that job.
►Published April 2007 ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE here which irks my ears: [Or French in this case!] Why do Americans use a universally accepted foreign phrase in their speech then mangle it? Cordon Bleu is not Cordon Bloo. The Fontainebleau Hotel Is not Fontainebloo. The latter rankles me on a regular basis, because this landmark hotel, a favourite hangout of Frank Sinatra in the 50’s, is not far from me in Miami Beach. Consequently, its name surfaces in local conversation and TV reports. All Americans and media mis-pronounce it as Fontainebloo. I automatically say Fontainebleau [rhyming with blow], because I have a French degree and that’s the right pronunciation. This results in Americans “correcting” me! I then educate them that the Hotel is named after the beautiful chateau outside Paris and they, not moi, [she said pretentiously!] are wrong. Ditto with Cordon Bleu cookery, named after the famous culinary school in Paris, which I once visited. It’s international ignorance, because even a bricklayer in England would never pronounce Cordon Bleu as Cordon Bloo. The commonly-used French racing term Grand Prix is another example. This should be pronounced Grong Pree. Yet Americans pronounce Grand the English way, and Prix the French way. The only reason they don’t pronounce it as Priks is…well you can guess. UK-USA Cultural differences: I’ve noticed that British pensioners in UK are more reluctant to learn the computer than American seniors. In fact, in Florida most seniors use a computer, if only to email photos of the grandchildren. My 80 year-old mother in London refuses to learn how to send an email, even though a Geico caveman can do it. There’s a computer in her house, but still she balks at the idea. Underscoring my point, is a mirthsome report in the London Telegraph: Sir Donald Sinden, the 83 year old British actor with the fruity voice, was always being pressed by his son to communicate by email, instead of phone. “So on a trip to Australia I decided to give it a try,” Sinden told the paper..”I spent three days staring at that bloody screen,but nothing popped up. Eventually my son rang---Dad, why have you been ignoring all my messages? You haven’t been staring at the TV screen instead of the computer have you, he joked. I was too embarrassed to admit that’s exactly what I’d been doing.”
► Published March 2007 HOW MANY BRITS IN FLORIDA. Is the frequently-asked question from reporters, Florida agencies, other Brits and Americans, everywhere I go. So herewith the definitive answer: It is impossible to obtain an accurate figure of resident Brits in Florida. British tourists are headcounted on arrival and those figures are available. But British legal residents [and illegal overstays lurking in the Sunshine State] are not. Even if some administrator was paid to do nowt else but track Brits living in Florida it would be like nailing mercury: the figure changes daily. Also, resident Brits are not required to report their movements to officials. They just arrive/set up business/marry/die/leave/stay, all untracked by officials. My British Bureau is the only office maintaining any major database of Florida Brits, done for proprietary business reasons. In 1993, when meeting the UK Ambassador to USA [our top Government official here], I mentioned I was tired of being asked how many Brits in Florida. So what was the official UK Government answer? "Frankly, Patricia, we don't know," he told me, with refreshing candour from a politician. That has not changed in 2007. SENDING EMAIL PROTOCOL for Brits doing business in Florida.Comments here last month about Brits not grasping email protocol in the USA, struck a welcome chord with some of you. Due to my work, I receive many emails from newcomer Brits setting up in business in Florida, or trying to. How can you be taken seriously when your professional address is
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" Obviously I can’t publish real email addresses, but be assured examples used here are almost identical. Or have you created such a cumbersome address, that senders are likely to mis-spell it, creating bounces and time-wasting all round. Example received:
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"> The number of zeros and ones which could be letters is such an e- hurdle. Or one of my business associates uses
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" with seven zeds, forcing you to slowly count on the monitor before sending. Irksome. If you’re in business, create a simple email showing your fullname or obvious business ID. Avoid numbers 1 and 0 because they can be confused with letters. Don’t use dots or an underscore—why slow the sender down by forcing him to use the shift key?
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" The address
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is quicker to type than sally_smith or sally.smith. Think before you create, Mate! ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE here which irks my ears: 1] The sheer laziness and paucity of vocabulary that reduces almost all negative and positive comments to either: IT SUCKS. IT’S HOT. There’s a thesaurus of glorious adjectives, which rarely get used. If I hear one more unimaginative American reporter describe every entertainer/trend/event as “hot,” I’ll scream
► Published in February 2007.ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE HERE WHICH IRKS MY EARS. Why do Americans say three-fourths instead of three quarters? And pronounce a lady's blouse as blousssss with a hissing sound?
►PUBLISHED January 2007 .......re MONTHY PYTHON SHOW COMING TO FT.:LAUDERDALE. Frankly, I couldn't enjoy Python sketches in American accents. But Americans here, who can't seem to talk to us Brits without mentioning Monthy Python [groan], will doubtless flock to see it in Ft. Lauderdale. But will you Brits, with your more sophisticated sense of humour? THE UNITED STATES IMMIGRATION SERVICE [USCIS] has announced improvements in Florida, which will benefit the many Brits still grinding their way through the system. You know that prison-like yellowish Immmigration building on Miam's Biscayne Boulevard, where so many of us Brits have stood for hours awaiting interviews? There was no nearby parking and they had a vicious towing policy for hundreds of us hopeful immigrants. I remember emerging from an INS interview and tearfully scouring seedy parts of Miami for my vanished car. Well that notorious building will be closed, many of you will be thrilled to know. At a Miami press conference before Christmas, Emilio Gonzalez director of USCIS citizenship, announced that infamous building will be replcaed by regional offices around Florida. "Often, the first encounter immigrants have with the federal government is immigration, "Gonzalez told reporters," and I want that experience to be good. I want a state-of-the-art facility, comfortable with ample parking and security. I don't want a ratty building." Quite. Anyway, he announced brand new regional offices in Orlando, Tampa, Miami and Ft. Lauderdale. By 2008, Miami will have three new facilities, and serve as as pilot programme for the rest of the USA, he said, which if successful will be replicated in other cities with large immigrant populations like New York and Los Angeles. " The move out of the Biscayne Boulevard building is part of a new effort to bring services closer to immigrant communities and thus become more efficient, " Gonzalez said. Not before time, eh? [FIND LATEST INFO: www.uscis.gov
► MIAMI English rapper Lady Sovereign. I have zero interest in hip-hop so certainly didn't know, much less care, that we Brits had rappers too. Black American male hip-hoppers in clownish clothes was the norm I thought, until I read a review in the Miami Herald. It made me proud to be British in the Nobody- Beats-us-at-Musical-Orginality department. Here's an excerpt from the paper's tough music critic Evelyn McDonnell's piece:A FOUL-MOUTHED PHENOM ...As a petite, white English woman it takes serious nerve for Louise Harmon to get onstage and spit the cockiest, Cockney rap at know-it-all American audiences. Fortunately nerve - along with sheer, bloody talent - is one thing the 20-year-old better known as Lady Sovereign does not lack. The hip-hop phenomenon gave a packed crowd at Miami's Studio A Nightclub [on November 28] repeated glimpses of her extended middle finger, some well-placed Miami insults, and the best, brashest British performance since the Sex Pistols. Her voice was rough and she seemed drunk. She swilled beers and her attitude and attack were ferocious and funny, lashing out at South Florida's image obsessions: "I like my tits, I like my arse," she declared. "It's not about plastic." Performing with her 3-piece Britband, Lady Sovereign gave a collage of English hip-hop tracks and proved that some of the freshest beats these days are from that side of the pond. The self-proclaimed "English Misfit" connected with the American crowd of punks, backpackers and b-boys/b-girls. [Er, what's a b-boy?-PK], even when she sang the patriotic My England.That's an especially British alternative soccer chant, yet still her American audience loved it. By the time she sang her hit Love Me or Hate Me, this young Brit had thoroughly taken over Studio A. How great is that?
► Published January 2007 ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE here which irks my ears: Saying a "Cheater" instead of a "cheat". There is no such word as cheater, only cheetah the animal. Every time I hear a betrayed American wife call her husband a cheater I ask if he has four legs.
►TAMPA BRITS. ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE here which irks my ears: The widespread use of hyperbole----a particularly American practice. It's annoyed me for years, but what prompted me to write this was the Thanksgiving TV commercial by Honeybaked Ham. "Honeybaked am---the world's best ham" it stated. They even trademarked their unsubstantiated bragline, er tagline: ".....the World's best ham" is now an official part of their logo. This commmercially produced ham may be the best in America, [although I have tasted better local artisan American hams], but the world's best it patently isn't. Nor can it be, unless independent ham-tasters have gone around the world and tabulated their results. That honour, for centuries has gone to Italy's Parma ham or England's superb hams, both acclaimed by independent WORLDWIDE gourmets. What really aggravates me is this American habit of attempting world domination in everything, without conceding there are other countries out there, who have been doing most things better for centuries longer. Except bragging----no other nation beats them at that.
►NOVEMBER 2006 There are two questions people pose me more than any other. 1] How many Brits in Florida? See answer to that on www.BritishFlorida.com on the Statistics Page, which I had to create just to address that. 2] Who does the lizard's Cockney voice in the Geico commercials? One American friend was adamant it was Canadian actor Mike Myers faking it, in spite of my insistance that it wasn't. Please, as a Londoner I know purity when I hear it: the utterly athentic delivery and Cockey inflection when the gekko says, with a sigh: "I'm here for for Geico love. Let's not get into my personal life." Trouble was I couldn't tell the American who it was. Now I know: The voice belongs to 35 year old English actor Jake Wood. He is curently starring in The Illusionist movie and you've seen him in British TV shows like Eastenders, Red Dwarf and Doc Martin. [FOOTNOTE: Proving that Americans unabated love of the British accent renders it a favourite Madison Avenue marketing tool, I kept a clipboard next to my TV for the last 2 months, in preparation for this column. Each time I heard a British accent in a TV commercial, I jotted it down. The list: Coors Beer, DHL, Colgate toothbrushes, Airwick, Landrover USA, Cingular Wireless, Softscrub Cleanser, Seiko Watches, Isotoner Gloves, Geico of course, Orbitz Travel, Travelocity, Glade lug-ins, Neutrogena, Samsung electronics, Ross Dress for Less, Van Kempen Investments, Bam Cleaner and Tassimo Coffeemakers].
► BEEGEES----BARRY GIBB update. As my regular readers know, the Beegees have lived in Miami Beach for over twenty years. The remaining two musical brothers Barry and Robin have gone their own ways professionally since Maurice's death. Barry Gibb now has a wonderful new website, complete with family and professional photos going back years, a virtual tour of the group's famous Middle Ear recording studio and everything you could want to know about their glorious music past and present. It's one of the best websites I've seen. INFO: www.barrygibb.com
► AS MANY OF US RESIDENT FLORIDA BRITS HAVE NEXT OF KIN far away it's important we register our emergency contact information. Officials in Florida need to know who to contact if you are seriously hurt or kick your British bucket in an accident. Now the Florida State Department Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles has created a way to do that on its website. Go to www.hsmv.state.fl.us and click on the Emergency Contact Information icon. Enter your Florida's driver's licence number and you'll be prompted to enter two emergency contacts. For those of you trying to create authentic British recipes in your Florida kitchen, there exists a wonderful website. Go to www.greatbritishkitchen.co.uk It is run by the British Food Trust, which says: This web site is a major resource for expats around world who are enthusiasts for British cooking, its past traditions and future potential. Most of the thousands of British recipes here are indeed traditional and, taken together, define the legacy of British Cuisine as it has evolved over the years. ► UK-USA CULTURE CORNER: Any of you over 40 will remember the days when Brits never carried creditcards. We used to mock American tourists with their walletful of plastic charge cards. Few of us lived beyond our means. Buying anything on the "HP" , on "tick" or on credit was looked down on as [ironically] for the poor classes. We were not a materialistic society, like the Americans, we declared snootily. Now, as many official UK studies attest, Brits have become just as addicted to creditcards and buy-it-now-afford-it-later as Americans--worse maybe. Last month Britain's Consumer Credit Counselling Service reported that one of its 56 year old English clients owns 57 creditcards, on which he owes over $650,000. The charity [surprisingly to me] warned that in the UK people in their 50s have the worst debt problems.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE/ABUSE HERE WHICH IRKS ME: This is in my top five of annoying expressions. Saying "You Guys" constantly instead of just "You". It is so prevalent that a foreigner learning English in America might think "youguys" was the actual pronoun. Sir Paul Macartney, no less, gets my goat because he uses it whenever he's in the USA, seemingly to chum up to Americans. Always be yourself, Paul. Scousers don't say "youguys". When he spoke to the NASA astronauts in space, as they woke up to his song Good Day Sunshine, he addressed them as "You Guys, " several times.
► SCAM ALERT BRITS in UK trying to fleece us over here? Very naughty. The Miami Herald Action Line reports emails coming from England sent to one [or more] of its readers trying on the old cashier's cheque scam. You can check out all internet scams and report crooks, British or not, on 2 websites run by the US Government: The FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center www.ic3.gov and the Federal Trade Commission's www.consumer.gov/sentinel
►BRITISH----AMERICAN CULTURE CORNER: A Pembroke Pines Florida woman was talking excitedly about landing one of 10 places on a national TV show called Monique's F.A.T. Chance. Overweight women compete willingly for the title Miss F.A.T. which stands for Fabulous and Thick. But in England, thick means dim, so that tickled me. Producers there would get no contestants without a title change, methinks.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE USE/ABUSE HERE WHICH IRKS ME: The Miami Herald recently quoted Elton John talking about his so-called feud with George Michael. "George and I are fine. He came and stayed down [at] my house last year." The Herald inserted [at] in brackets. Wrong. Londoners like Elton say "He stayed down my house, " omitting the "at" and often "house" too. It's a Cockney colloquialism. In Eastenders you'll hear, " He stayed down mine last night." Now I don't expect the Herald's editors to know how Londoners speak. But when you publish somebody's remarks in quotation marks, you don't insert prepositions they didn't use. That's paraphrasing not quoting. It also insults readers---did they think we wouldn't understand what Elton meant without inserting [at]? [USA media talks down to its audience I notice, over-simplifying and over-explaining in a way British broadcasters don't. But that's another subject beyond this column].
► ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Pronouncing the word parenting as parr-enting. I heard Barbra Walters on TV yesterday refer to parrenting instead of parenting. It comes from the noun parent, pronounced with a long A, so why do so many Americans speak it as though it's derived from the word parrot? ►BRITISH-AMERICAN CULTURE CORNER: This Londoner is thrilled that American actress Gwynneth Paltrow, who lives there with Brit husband Chris Martin of Coldplay, is becoming one too. Complaining in 2004 about poor service and other uniquely British things there, now she tells the Daily Mail: "When you live somewhere, you really start to absorb all aspects of the culture. If you'd have told me five years ago that I would watch a re-run of the Two Ronnies, I'd have said you were insane. I also eat curry all the time." She's right. When I moved to Miami in 2002, I'd never even heard of Ceviche. Wossat? Now I'm so enamoured of the fish-cooked-in-lime-juice dish, it's the first thing I order from any Miami menu.
►NOT SO FABULOUS IS THE HIGH COST of health Insurance in Florida, one of the highest in the country, and South Florida in particular. No surprise to Brits who live here, except that for the first time ever the REAL reason has appeared in print. "Even though we have more doctors and hospitals in Florida, the normal rule of supply and don't apply to healthcare," one longtime insurance broker told the Miami Herald on 7-20-06. "In affluent South Florida doctors have an idea of how much money they're supposed to make, and then provide treatment to meet their own income objectives." Incredible---let his words sink in: Florida doctors charge what they need to subsidise their fancy Florida lifestlyes, NOT the fairest, most honest rate.
►2006---POST-WORLD CUP My observations. The debate about why soccer [football] has never really taken off in Anerica got more oxygen during this World Cup, with USA TODAYrunning an excellent frontpage July 7 editorial on the subject, entitled WHY USA DOESN'T TAKE TO SOCCER...the imminent rise of the sport here has been erroneously forecast for years. I agree with one reason the lengthy article gave for Americans" disconnect with The Beautiful [French headbutting aside] Game: it's cultural. Soccer has its roots in England, which exported its game to the colonies some 150 years ago, said historian Randy Roberts of Purdue University. "America was al about being independent from Britain and playing "their" sport became unthinkable." I agree with this historically cultural reason. It's why Jamaicans and Indians are cricket-obsessed, because the British brought it first to their land. It's why British-invented soccer will never take hold in America--because their own-created sports [baseball, basketball, American football] are too historically entrenched. Anyway, that article produced a marvellous flurry of editorial correspondence for days from USA Today readers. To me, this letter stood out as the best, from an American reader: Attitude feeds Isolation . Your soccer story illustrates the typical American egocentric attitude of: if Americans don't appreciate it, it must not be worth much. Never in the history of the world has one sport so enraptured the human family as soccer, crossing vast cultural boundaries. Yet most Americans find soccer boring. Americans are a stubborn lot. We won't measure with metric. We won't cooperate with our allies on key foreign policy matters when they express serious reservations. And we sure won't pay attention to any sport not embedded in our vision of America. We have the audacity to call a North American baseball championship a World Series, while we essentially ignore the world's most popular sport. This simply feeds our isolationism. Such closed-mindedness is not the mark of a nation that will long endure as a world leader. If the average American ever attended a professional soccer game in South America or Europe, he would discover a sport that, in sheer [crowd] energy, surpasses anything he has ever experienced in a sporting arena in the USA. ----Rick Archibald, Pensacola, FLORIDA.
►From my e-mailbag: "Patricia, I am a British citizen living in Miami and am 6 months pregnant with a terrible craving for Wall's Arctic Roll. Are there any supermarkets here which carry this dessert or any British stores here who might"--- Raquel D.
►BUYING PROPERTY IN FLORIDA is easier and better-regulated than in the UK. Unlike Florida, real estate agents over there aren't even licensed. Latest figures reveal that 1 in 3 purchases every year fall through, with 8.7 million people affected and the UK facing a"gazumping crisis. Gazumping is the practice where the seller accepts an offer from one buyer only to take a higher offer from a second---miring people in a sort of dreadful bidding war. Other European countries also do this, but Britain tops the gazumping league, with a "gazumping crisis", says a new report by Scottish Widows Bank. Florida realtors are licensed, the industry is well-regulated and gazumping is illegal. Having bought/sold 2 properties here with no hassle, I reassure emigrating Brits that they have little to worry about. Find a list of licensed British Realtors established in Florida on website www.britishflorida.com OFFICIAL FLORIDA FACT: One thousand new people a day settle in Florida.
►UK BRITS LOVE MIAMI. A recent study by Travelocity.com of 1000 UK-USA business travellers, found that 80% stated Miami as their favourite destination for a few add-on days of rest and relaxation.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Pronouncing the name Craig as Kreg. There's no e in Craig. Every time I hear American TV announcers refer to the new James Bond as Daniel Kreg I yell the correction at the TV! ►NEWS OF THE BOOZE: Ormond Beach now has a British Pub and restaurant, The Gryphon's Lark [386] 673-1250. The owner is American but he says he gets many British customers. Have fun checking it out, Ormond Beach Brits. Always find a complete list of Florida's British pubs on www.BritishFlorida.com
► ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: One grammatical blunder so widespread few Americans seem to know the difference: Unsatisfied instead of dissatisfied. Example, from a Florida newspaper, quoting a hurricane shutter maker" "We do an average of 60 houses a month. Unfortunately, there's always one customer who remains unsatisfied." Of course he should have said dissatisfied. For customers who are left unsatisfied, Dr. Ruth can advise them. ►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Ugly abbreviations just for the sake of speed or trendiness, what I call Fastfood English. Examples abound, but the worst: Happy B-Day. "Let's hear it for Queen Latifah, celebrating her Beeday today," I heard on New York radio. Now why would the singer celebrate where she scrubs her genitalia, I puzzled. An American explained. Aha! Obviously most Americans never learned French. Dieu Merci that BBC Radio won't be stooping to "Her Majesty celebrates her Beeday today. "
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Saying a celebrity takes a dress size 00 [zero zero], frequently heard here on inane celebrity TV shows. Desperate Houseives star Eva Longoria is a size 00, her publicist was boasting to reporters last week. Well in the world's fattest nation, obsessed by the thin celebrities they fail to emulate, "size 00" is just an illogical vanity term. The word "size" means a measurement. The word Zero means no quantity of anything. Therefore to say a woman is a size 00 is to say she does not exist. Pretentious American gibberish.
►APRIL 2006 Prime Minister Tony Blair's wife Cherie was in Palm Beach and Boca Raton during her controversial private speaking tour last month. For those of you who don't follow the UK news, the Blairs are in millions of pounds of debt due to several unwise property purchases. So Cherie Blair needs to earn fees from lucrative speaking engagements in the USA, something no sitting Prime Minister's wife has ever done. " Said Tory MP David Davies, " Even by Mrs. Blair's own extraordinary standards, this is an outrage. The British public will be aghast to learn that the Prime Minsiter's wife has been hawking herself around the USA using accounts of meetings of the Queen as away of helping her meet her mortgage payments." Well, controversy aside, what interests me is that while in Boca Raton, she asked to do something "unique in south Florida", so on March 14 was taken to the Dania Jai-Alai just outside Ft. Lauderdale. With her 20 year old son Nicky Blair, they placed a few bets but didn't win, Jai-Alai officials said. Now directly across the street is a famous, unmissable, freestanding British pub, with Union Jacks flying, Red London phone box, huge swinging pub sign. You cannot enter the Jai-Alai without seeing it. Surely Mrs.Blair and son popped in? The British pubowner didn't return my 3 calls over there to find out. Hmmmmmm.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Saying "good" the adjective when it should be "well" the adverb. It's such a commonly perpetuated error that many Americans are unaware it's incorrect. There's a Kohl's TV commercial on constantly in Florida where the young actress is bouncing across the TV screen endlessly repeating: :Whatever you do, do it good. " Since American children are bombarded with incorrect grammar by the media that's what they assimilate and repeat of course. In the past, whenever people here would say "I'm doing good, " I'd smile and say," No, Mother Theresa is doing good. You are doing well." ►The only people who walk in Los Angeles are hookers and the British----Shopkeeper in Los Angeles told UK's Daily Mail. Not true in tropical Florida--it's usually too hot even for mad Brits to walk.
►SIR RICHARD BRANSON seen in bed in Miami on March 20, 2006. That got your attention. It's B.E.D actually, an exceedingl expensive and gimmicky restaurant in Miami. The famous British mogul is certainly making the most of Miami's amazing nightlife since he bought his place here, spending much more time in his new Miami home, escaping England's wicked winter. On February 18, he was conspicuous at The Palace, one of Miami's glamorous nightclubs, surrounded by a gaggle of female admirers. And if one more Brit asks me for his Miami address, I'll scream. BRITISH CELEBS also in Miami in February were Kate [nose-candy] Moss, British celebrity owner of Jimmy Choos shoes Tamara Mellon and British best-selling author Jackie Collins. The latter I met at her February 13 booksigning and declare her a warm, witty, wise Wonderwoman.
► Published in 2006--ROYALTY HERE TO ESCAPE ENGLAND'S FREEZE. Every January and February in Florida, [our average winter temperature is 75 degrees], we get a stream of VIPS from the UK. On January 21, HRH Prince Edward and his Countess Sophie were guests of honour at the Orbis charity ball. I actually had a [free] invitation to the zillion dollars a plate ball by the organisers, but Cinderella here, or Ugly Sister might be more accurate, didn't fancy the drive up to Palm Beach. Sarah, Duchess of York, a frequent Florida visitor, was seen shopping and lunching at Miami's swanky Merrick Park Mall, Casa Casuarina private club on South Beach and other Magic City hotspots for several days last month. Ah yes, those English palaces get pretty draughty in the winter.
►THE FLORIDA DRIVING TEST amazes British residents here with its ease. This is underscored by the difficulty of the British driving test, considered the world's most difficult. A 50 year-old woman in Oxford has passed her test, after 33 years trying, 40 failed exams and 27,000 pounds spent on learner lessons on England's streets since 1972. Like many of you, I remember, on arrival here, being terrified at the prospects of taking the USA driving test, staying home for 2 weeks swotting up the Florida rules of the road and assuming the practical exam would be tough. In Engand, like most Britons, I didn't pass first time. In Florida, I was stunned at the simplicity of the multiple choice questions. The practical test was exactly 5 minutes in the car with the examiner, who had me drive round the block just once, noted I obseved the STOP sign and didn't kill any pedestrians so declared me PASSED. I wonder if tests in the other 49 states are such a breeze.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Giving sports results as O for 4. They say the letter O pronounced Oh, instead of the number zero. It's completely wrong, of course so wonder how that ever started. Everytime I hear Americans say the score is Oh for 4 instead of 4-nil or 4-zero it jars on me.
► Hats off to Miami airport [MIA], often the cause for complaints from British travellers for contributing to my enjoyable Christmas. Let me explain. As many of you do, I asked visiting relatives, my mother and husband Hamish, to bring me English goodies. Grosvenor Pie, sausages and Scotch eggs made by their fabled London butcher was the request, forgetting it was illegal to bring in food. The night before at the British Network meeting, we were all discussing Christmas plans and British travel agent Richard Hubbard informed us that MIA had dogs trained to sniff out foodstuffs. "The dogs will find the bangers in your Mum's suitcase." This caused incredulity amongst us Brits, with jokes about airport police dogs running around with strings of bangers hanging from their mouths. Cocaine-sniffing dogs yes, but foodsniffing dogs was news to me. I then became concerned for my parents. But on arrival at my house, Mum proudly spread out the meats. "Customs let us bring it through, " she said. Of their 5 suitcases, only the one containing food was selected for opening. This was before the agent looked at their form, where they had declared all the food as "gifts for daughter in Miami." So, proof enough that these food-sniffing dogs were on duty. The Customs agent apparently didn't confiscate the food because it had been declared. He used his discretion to allow it. Had my parents tried to smuggle it in, they could have been in major trouble. So the reason I am sharing this tale with UJ readers is because this may be the solution to our recurring problem, a way we can bring in the UK meats we miss. Declare it. If Customs keep it, they keep it. But you can't get into trouble at the airport. If the agent lets it through, you get your bangers. Worth a try, methinks.
►ENGLISH LANGUAGE ABUSE here which irks my ears: Saying exhibit instead of exhibition, an error so widespread I've yet to hear any American use the words correctly. "The exhibit opens today," trills every newscaster. Er, no. The exhibition opens today, in which you will see the exhibits.
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►MOMENTOUS NEWS FOR BOOZEY BRITS: On November 9, 2004 the Supreme Court ruled that a Green Card holder convicted of DUI cannot be deported. That had been happening apparently, until a Florida test case involving a married Haitian father deported after 20 years legal residence just for a DUI, eventually reached the USA's highest court. The Supreme Court judges ruled that "a crime of violence" was necessary for deportation and drunk driving was not considered as such. Hmmmmm. Considerable numbers of pub-loving Florida Brits are convicted of DUI. So as a reminder, now you are in the holiday spirit and spirits, being convicted of DUI here brings its own legal hell you don't want to discover. Deportation might be a blessing.
► Desperate to leave the UK, as never before. That's the finding of new surveys published there and most Britons said Florida would be their first choice IF they could go anywhere. But since the USA's immigration policy is so tough, many Brits plumped pragmatically for Spain. I have noticed the unprecedented amount of enquiries [as FABB President] from UK Brits wishing to move here, but their stated reasons have changed. Before 9-11, a sunnier climate and Florida lifestyle was the given remotivation for quitting Blighty. Now it's----1] England is totally overrun with immigrants, so we want out. [Er, Florida is totally overrun with immigrants, but of course we have sooooooo much s-pa-c-e to assimilate YOU.] 2] "England is just not the same. It's changed too much since my childhood." Yes, even London classic double-decker hop-on buses have been phased out, due to American-style fear of injury litigation. Yet, on my annual trip home to London I do notice vast, lightyear improvements everywhere in the food. Which is why the reader's letter below, just published in the Daily Mail, had me chuckling all day. So relax, those of you lamenting the lapse of Traditional Britain. It proves that some inherently British ways, like shrug your shoulders service, will NEVER disappear: "Sir: Travelling by train last week I noticed a station kiosk advertising HOT ROLLS. I asked the girl behind the counter for a hot bacon roll. When she passed it to me it was totally cold. I mentioned this. She argued that all the rolls were cold, but they were hot when they were cooked. I am still confused." ------John Kiddle, Grimsby. It could never happen in Florida.
► PUBLISHED JUNE 2004 ISSUE Thousands of Florida Brits have become US citizens.
Yet many of you haven't bothered registering to vote. I now urge you to make your voice heard in November's Presidential election. Because the UK and USA are joined at the hip in Iraq and some of you over here even have sons serving in the Basra British forces, now is NOT the time to be fence-sitting. I've been a citizen since 1994 and frankly felt unaroused enough by USA politics to do the Voter Registration paperwork. But now so fuelled by anger, sadness and shame over the Madness and Mess in Iraq, I'll be first in line at the polling station. Please join me, fellow British-Americans. I believe George Bush has single-handedly damaged the world as much as Osama Bin Laden. I believe this unworldy, untravelled President has exacerbated world terrorism, spawning thousands more fanatic cells than existed before 9-11. How otherwise to explain train-bombings in Spain? I believe he has squandered the global outpouring of love and sympathy America basked in on September 11, curdling it into internationally shared dislike of anything Stars and Stripes. Those prison torture photos set this nation back a hundred PR/goodwill years, kicking America's white hat off its head. This is a wonderful country. The people here have huge hearts and love us Brits almost unconditionally. I am honoured to have a CITIZEN OF THE USA certificate on my wall. But America deserves better leadership. It deserves to regain the respect and admiration of other countries.
This election YOU can make a difference. Pete in Pensacola, Kathy in Kissimmee, Terry in Tampa, Frank in Ft. Lauderdale, Jane in Jacksonville, Betty in Boca---British-Americans across the Sunshine State. Your numbers in Florida are now sufficient. I urge you to register to vote before August 31, in time for the Presidential election. Even if you think Bush is brilliant---in the interests of journalistic balance I must include that---then endorse him. JUST VOTE. To end with a quote from a far greater American: " He who accepts evil without protesting against it, is really cooperating with it. "--MARTIN LUTHER KING 1958.
► PUBLISHED MARCH 2004 ISSUE MIAMI: A proud to be British item. Joe's Stone Crab restaurant is the most famous restaurant in Florida, with a three hour wait to get a table. Known for its legendary seasonal stone crabs with its signature mustard sauce, the sauce was a recipe kept secret for 43 years by the original owner----as closeley guarded as the Coca Cola one. On TV this week Joe's chefs there told Katie Couric, who was doing the Today show from Miami, the ingredients of the mustard sauce. Millions of Americans for decades had tried to copy it without success. Because lo and behold, the main key secret ingredient was revealed as Colman's English dry mustard in those little cans we Brits know so well. Since no American could guess that, all recipe attempts using feeble American mustards were therefore doomed.
► PUBLISHED NOVEMBER 2004 ISSUE BRITISH HOLIDAYMAKERS [a million of whom come to Florida annually, of course] were ranked WORST IN THE WORLD, by UK online travel company Expedia.co.uk. Expedia surveyed its tourist offices worldwide and got this feedback: Brits were the most linguistically incompetent, rude and badly behaved. Americans were rated the most polite and the biggest spenders. Germans were the best behaved but bad tippers. Brits were unwilling to speak in the native tongue and spoke loudly and slowly in their mother tongue. Well, at least they don't have to do that in Florida!
PUBLISHED JANUARY 2004 ISSUE UK-USA wackiness. I am stunned to read, as the Miami Herald's Front Page Above the Fold Top Story December 21, that the demand for plastic surgery as Christmas presents is the highest in Florida's history. That husbands are rushing into Ft. Lauderdale plastic surgeons offices for Cosmetic Surgey gift certificates for their wives. That Miami doctors told reporters they are booked solid for New Year's facelifts. Then I'm uber-stunned to read in London's Church Times about Bishop Lindsay Urwin of Horsham Essex. He has urged fellow clergy to cart buckets of cow-manure into their church at Christmas. The stench is to remind worshippers that Jesus was born in a stable. The visual mess of the animal poop is to underline that Jesus gave his life to sort out the mess people make of their lives. So, it gives me immense pleasure to report that British eccentricity has trumped Florida flakiness this time.
► PUBLISHED DECEMBER 2003 My fellow immigrants----Here's my Christmas present to you. True stories that will help you prosper in the New Year. STORY 1: When Arnold Schwarzenneger arrived here in the 1960's he was flat broke. To pay the rent and build up his muscles for bodybuilding he started a bricklaying business with a bodybuilder pal. They toiled hard laying bricks at the mansions of the rich and famous in Los Angeles. But, although they kept their prices lower to undercut their many competitors, Arnold's first business venture was failing. An American friend suggested he capitalise on the one thing differentiating himself from other bricklayers. So Arnold started promoting his business as SPECIALTY EUROPEAN BRICKLAYERS and overcharging customers to reinforce the message of their expertise. As a result they soon had more work than they could handle from image-driven Californians. And we all know how far the amazing Austrian has come since then.STORY 2: A beachfront hotel in Daytona in the early 90's was one of dozens competing for the same visitors. A British couple decided to put BRITISH OWNERS and the Union Jack on their sign. This attracted the UK visitors who stream into Daytona, many of whom returned annually, becoming friends with the British owners and referring other Brits there. The hotel has been full ever since they changed the sign.STORY 3: In 1990 I was newly divorced and therefore unemployed, because my job had been Vice-President of Marketing in my husband's Ft. Lauderdale company. I had exactly $800, a home office and a creditcard. The problem was not my ability [had business experience, degrees etc] but identifying WHAT I could actually do in Florida, as a foreigner. After numerous job interviews, where American employers said being a British newcomer was against me, I decided the answer was to turn that problem into the solution. So I started a one-woman British Bureau public relations business, working exclusively with Florida's British community. It has been profitable since day one. STORY 4: There are two British-owned and staffed gay resorts in Ft. Lauderdale, who hadn't thought to put "British-owned" on all their international advertising.That would attract the huge UK gay market, I suggested. STORY 5:There is an antiques emporium in South Florida with British owners, British staff, most of their antiques are imported from the UK, they are in an area with a huge British population and they know Americans prize English antiques. Yet am baffled to see that on their print ads they don't even mention the British connection, thereby losing a strong marketing edge. STORY 6: Two weeks ago on the Ellen DeGeneres show one of her American guests was talking about the appeal of the British accent. He said: "Everything they say you believe it. You want to buy it. Just because they say it with a British accent. I don't know but it [British accent] has more authority."
[Hence the proliferation of British accents used in American TV and radio commercials]. So Brits working here, ask yourself: How can I can parlay my British accent, British contacts or just my Britishness into a marketing tool? Since Americans are overawed and truly smitten and genuinely fond of us, it is the key to more business. And the Brit-to-Brit market will find you. I have seen two identical sign-shop franchises in the same town. Yet one did miles better, because the local Scottish community took their orders into the one owned by an Aberdonian. That was the principle behind FABB, the Florida Association of British Business [www.BritishFlorida.com ] I co-founded in 1997. If you are a British hotelier/motelier who does not put "British-owned" on his sign after reading this, you are ignoring a slam-dunk chance to attract the niche market of Florida's 1.5 million UK visitors to Florida. Any British-owned hairsalon in Florida that does not change its name to British Hairways or British Beauty Centre or anything with British in the name is clipping its promotional wings. Whatever business you're in, incorporate your Britishness into all your advertising and I guarantee it will help you pro$$$per in 2004.
► Published SEPTEMBER 2003 ISSUE WHAT A BLEEDING CHEEK DEPT: I get deluged with emails from [sometimes desperate] UK Brits seeking immigration advice/jobqueries and the like. But this one actually expects us to send money just because we are British. This was a genuine email sent to me from England. Have left in spelling mistakes, but changed his email name and account number so they don't work. Assumed you weren't daft enough to actually WANT to contribute. "From: ANDY [mailto:
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
] Sent: Friday, August 22, 2003 3:41 AM PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A ONE TIME EMAIL AND I APPOLOGISE IF IT OFFENDS ANYONE Hi My name is Andy I live in england and i could really use your help. im not going to scam you and i promise nothing in return for your help The fact is that i work as a security officer long hours and low pay and since my partner left me for another man she had been seeing for six months i was left with lots of debt. i am now faceing loosing my home and everything i am working to keep I dont know if it is leagle to ask for money so i wont but if you would like to make a gift to me it would be your choice and very much appreciated. If you can help i thank you very much and if you cant help then i thank you for reading this. Gifts to Abbey National a/c No 43983591553 Sort Code 09-01-28" BRITS LOVE THEIR CURRY: A British newspaper reports that a London-based millionaire Baljit Singh was staying at his holiday home in Florida and fancied a decent curry. So he contacted the restuarant manager of his local curry house the Kalam Raj in West Wickham, placed an order for $800 worth of Indian food and flew manager and precious food over. The flight from Heathrow to Florida, including ahelicopter first from the restuarant to airport, cost an aditional $3000. As a fellow Indian food addict, I say: well worth every penny. WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT FLORIDA [some subitted by British readers] The infectious optimism and 'can-do' attitude of most Americans. Their sincere - even if often corny - patriotism (wishing more Brits were as proud of their country as the Americans are!). Permanent Florida summer. The big, wide and easy to follow roads (think they would cope with London roads??). Low taxes. Free coffee and soft drinks refills. My American husband. The Smith and Wollensky classically American restaurant chain, with the most unmatched, delicious aged American steak your palette could ever fantasise about. The one in Miami on the water has become my favourite place to nosh. And no, alas, I don't get a free steak for writing this. American steak is as stunningly great as their bacon is dire. The thankfully short USA mailing addresses----3 lines often. Joe Bloggs, 1234 Anystreet, NY NY 10011. Compared to the UK ones, many of which are 6/7 lines long [I have actual examples in my office]: Joe Bloggs, Rosebriar Cottage, 35 Cottage Street, Upper Pottingley, Near Greater Pottingley, Hertford, Hertfordshire SE68 1PL, ENGLAND . Good job we're a nation of writers. WHAT GRATES ABOUT FLORIDA [some subitted by British readers] The permanent race for the dollar. The aggressiveness of sales people (they have no concept of 'no thanks, I'm just browsing'). Unfair competition and often misleading advertising. Advertising of prescription medicines. Too many insane drivers on the roads at the same time (someone enlighten me, is bumper-riding the norm over here??). Bigger is better (what happened to the good things in small packages?). Violence on TV any time of the day. 5 minutes of movie, 5 minutes of ads. Overall - and this is not just homesickness talking - give me Britain any day. The Wild West mentality, as exemplified worst by President Bush. He of the you can take Bush out of Cowboy Land but you can't take the Cowboy out the Bush. This is the culture and attitude that every problem is best solved by a show of force, heavyhandedness and guns, rather than subtlety, strategy and intelligence. Very seriously, I believe this is the most fundamental difference between Europeans and Americans. It's an attitude that is also evident in the policing methods. You know, send in a S.W.A.T. team to crack a nut. I notice that a film called S.W.A.T. was number one last month at the Box Office? In Miami a few weeks ago police arrested a six old year old and his two nine year old chums, on felony charges and took them to court. Their heinous crime: Larking around in the street as kids do, one of them threw a rock through a neighbour's window. Instead of strongly chastising the lads, making them apologise and pay to replace the window, the cops insisted on hauling them into court. Imagine--a six year old boy on criminal charges and the lifelong trauma of a court appearance. To be fair, many local Americans expressed outrage at the OTT actions of the police, but unfortunately these unreasonable incidents are too common across the USA.
► PUBLISHED in AUGUST 2003 ISSUE When Brits in Florida congregate the foremost topic is what's better/worse/different in the UK. Well, my annual trip home last month confirmed that differences are vanishing rapidly. Budweiser is omnipresent. In London I was appalled to find, and taken seriously by Brits, the vilest liquid America has ever created. Iced tea. Gasping in the desert with a survival choice of drink your own urine or American iced tea, my decision would not be swift. In 1987 it was completely non-existent in Britain. I state this as fact, because that year was touring UK with an American friend, whose request for iced tea was greeted with bafflement and derisive British snorts. In 2003, not only is the "drink" common on menus, at Wimbledon even----it is even marketed with no shame in ITV adverts to convert the British nation. How can the world's pre-eminent tea-drinking nation, connoisseurs who know their Yorkshire Gold from their Lapsang Souchong, their Earl Grey from their Typhoo, have sunk so subterranean? The PG Tips chimps must be turning in their graves. But our Yankee friends redeem themselves with coffee. In central London, there is now a Starbucks every few blocks and I contentedly patronised the one on Kensington High Street. Finally, after wolfing down more bacon butties than I will admit in print, one fervent plea: God before I die, let the FDA allow English bacon into Florida. WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT FLORIDA [some sent in by British readers] . The high standards set by the FDA. Freedom of Religion. Public secondary education. Cross-country freeways. A wide choice in products and services. An entertainment business with something for everyone. That American star Gwynneth Paltrow is has taken her close pal Madonna's advice and got herself her a British bloke to love. [Leadsinger Chris Marton of Britband Coldplay]. He'll help her maintain that already impeccable British accent we've heard in films. Bob Hope-----British born, of course. I admired him not for his brilliant one-liners but for the purest acts of selflessness in flying out to entertain the troops. The joy that man gave those scared young men and women far from home cannot be measured. How many of todays' self-obsessed greedy "stars" today fly out Afgahanistand or Iraq to cheer up the demoralised troops out there? Every cliche about Bob Hope being "A Great Example of a Great American" is, in this country of hyperbole, for once TRUE. His like in the USA has not been seen in decades. The beaming happiness on the faces of World War two soldiers while Bob Hope was cracking jokes has brought tears to my eyes every time they show the old newsreel footage. Bob Hope, I dub you the UK's Greatest Emigrant.WHAT GRATES ABOUT FLORIDA [some sent in by British readers] : An underdeveloped National Homeopathic/Naturopathic Medical Industry. Political lobbyists of religious groups. Lack of free secondary education. Too many choices in products and services. Lack of safe public transportation. Young adults are inundated by societal negative behaviour. Circuses still have animal acts. The privacy of what one reads is now non-existent, but for good reason.The pretentious term African-Americans. Many blacks here also hate the term---"Man, I've never been to Africa....just call me American please, " I heard some protest recently. Black Brits are too sophisticated to call themselves British-African. If a race reference is necessary, "black" is their preferred word. Smarter still, they don't dwell endlessly on the fact that they are black, as Americans do. In the UK, black Brits just mix and blend in socially, having a super sense of self as just Brits NOT black Brits, so you don't notice, and certainly don't care. They don't make race the issue that Americans do. This constant reverential PC use of "African-American" on TV does more to isolate black Americansfrom white, methinks, and irritates me hugely. I refuse to use the term. Black and Beautiful is what I say.
► FLORIDA COLUMN Published JULY 2003. Am writing this the day before for my annual trip home to world's most incredible city: London.Okay so I'm biased. [How about them Scousers getting Europe's Capital of Culture Award, eh? That'll stop those jokes [What do you call a Scouser in a suit?---the Accused]. Bravo Liverpool. Must go there someday, if Heather will lend her Paul to show me the city]. But I digress. The trip home. All my Florida Britpals agree on this: A visit back to UK is a true joy. Real bacon butties, properly brewed tea available everywhere, fresh cream meringues and family nights out at your cosy local pub; the reconnection with your soul and heart and senses to everything British is a necessary fix. But, but, but---- none of us would want to be back LIVING there year round. Yet with a Florida Lotto win I'd buy a mewshouse in Mayfair and a tropical mansion on Miami's bay. TransAtlantic bliss. It is an ongoing regret that I've yet to explore my own country, the Lake District, Bath, Shakespeare country and Manchester [the house there with a blue plaque CHOULARTON BROTHERS BORN HERE]. And I will drink a Guinness in Dublin before I die. So hoping to rectify that this summer by incorporating the finest England has to offer, doing day trips from Central London. The highlight will be a day at the invitation-only, oh-so swankily English Henley Regatta. Had to buy a classy outfit to meet the strict dresscode [even Princess Diana was excluded one year for wearing trousers]. When your wardrobe is all Florida-humidity-dress-down, something fwightfwully Bwitish must be purpose-bought. So fellow expats, let's thank God for Great Britain but thank him just as much for the Sunshine State. STATISTICS SPOT: Britain is the number one destination in the world for people for asylum-seekers, according to new reports from the United Nations. And because the UK is the world's biggest soft touch they are allowed in. Which is why more Brits [54%[ said they wanted to leave the UK than ever before. As asylum seekers rushed in, Brits rushed out, a record 300,000 a year emigrating abroad to places like Florida and Spain. They cited the UK's deteriorating quality of life: high cost of living, high taxes, traffic and rising crime rate. Well all four of those are lower in Florida, so come on over my Limey Lovelies. WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT FLORIDA [some submitted by readers] Price of gas . Fantastic weather most of the time, but certainly more of the time than in the UK . The joys of watching the work of good plastic surgeons!Free pour in bars - no more of those annoying measured optics! Martinis! Shopping and shopping than stays open late every night and on holidays! The size of hotel rooms, with beds bigger than canoes. A lot less office intrigue than amongst Brits Space for housing to be more than "over the fence from your neighbours" and for adequate parking. No litter, No graffiti, relatively few car thefts, beautiful beaches, the weather, good roads with few major traffic jams, cheap petrol, teenagers not scratching nice cars, good restaurant service, 24-hour shopping, free incentives, fabulous skiing with organized queuing at the lifts, plenty of police on the streets, parental involvement in their childrens’ schools, property depreciation and interest write-offs on property investments, exceptional housing communities for the elderly. WHAT GRATES ABOUT FLORIDA :Snakes, roaches and bugs! Tea in styrofoam cups. No good Chinese food. The Sunday papers, high in volume but lacking in substance Local sensational news media - have I got a breaking news story for you! ---Someone belched on I-95 tonight! Americans who say: You got an accent ---Where yoa'll from ----Australia? Spam email - enough enlargements already. Cost of insurance for everything under the sun.Corruption of the law enforcement system. And then there's the driving!!!!---a) lane switchers who have no idea what an indicator does or why it's on every car. b) the 18-wheeler that thinks it's a Porsche c) the cellphone driver. Who exactly are they calling at 6.30am? Not their wives for sure - they just left them! And finally, are they really interested in the opinions of little old Britain? They never want to listen to opinion other than their own. But where would we rather be? here! American belief that gun ownership is acceptable, prehistoric banking system, inefficient telephone companies, exhorbitant medicine costs, STOP signs every 100 yards where roundabouts would do, telemarketers, intimate hygiene adverts on TV, attorneys everywhere, No NHS, no decent tabloid newspapers, lack of Football (Soccer) live and/or on TV, CNN World News that used to rarely cover anything outside of the USA, World Series baseball with nobody outside North America competing, being told I’m Australian, told to Have a Nice Day after making a serious complaint, hearing a chuckle as I ask for milk with my tea, can’t drink a can of beer on the beach, excessive tipping, adverts every 5 minutes on TV, ultra-slow drivers, having to pre-pay for petrol, lack of public transport, the prude society.
► PUBLISHED JUNE 2003 ISSUE One of the great joys for us Florida transplants is the way Americans love us.[More than they now loathe the French]. Baffling. Maybe it's an enduring historical link to when they still answered to King George, but some even long to BE British. I am the hugest admirer of self-made businesswoman Madonna and consequently thrilled she has settled down with a solid British husband and embraced our quintessential pleasure: the English pub. So you British-Americans might enjoy her enthusiastic remarks recently made on Britain's FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS. "I didn't start drinking until I met Guy Ritchie----he's been a wonderful influence on me, " she said. "I get drunk with him. I become one of those drunken English girls. All it takes is half a pint. I'm a cheap date, yeah. You don't have to take me anywhere fancy. I was last drunk a couple of days ago." She said when she moved to London to be with him, she felt doubts about living there. "Then I just really fell in love with it. I figured out how to drive on the wrong side of the road and learned to love ale. Timothy Taylor's the best--real ale. Then my husband decides he wants to make a living in America. So now I'm over there grumpy about the fact that I'm not in the UK!" Madonna, we know the dilemma. ALWAYS SEPARATED BY A COMMON LANGUAGE. I remain tickled that Americans use our swearwords in daily parlance seemingly without knowing their origin: Quote from front page of May 25 Miami Herald: " MOSQUITOES BACK--AND THEY'RE EARLY. .....heavy rains that flooded parts of the Everglades this spring gave the buggers--------armed with their usual bloodsucking thirst--------- a head start on their air raids."WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT FLORIDA [some submitted by readers] Love it here--hope we don't have to go back to rainy old Scotland. Number one is the Florida sunshine, having lived in Scotland all my life and experienced he eaxct opposite weather pattern! People are happier when the sun shines. Number two, the laidback family lifestyle, higher standrad of living [most things are cheaper and salries higher than uk]. BBQ's, days out at a lovely beach. Florida life is bo much easier and less stressful compared to back home. The glorious ease and value-for-money of eating out in Florida: All you can eat Sushi for $12.95 at the Tokyo Bowls. All you can eat Indian food Buffet lunch for $6.95 at Royal India-------how can you find that in skinflint England? The joy of carparks the size of Pluto, compared to postage stamp England. WHAT GRATES ABOUT FLORIDA : Number one gripe is high cost of medical insurance. Even with insurance you still have to pay to visit the doctor, purchase medicine and if you need a hospital visit your wallet takes an even bigger hit. Give me a good old national health system anyday. The Poor standard of driving, going through redlights, pulling out in front of other drivers and general bad driving manners. The driving test is too easy. Number three: WE MISS THE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ---we go to Walmart sometimes just to listen to the accents. [er does Walmart attract Scots?-PK]. We miss our friendly neighbours, fish suppers, haggis suppers, pakora and decent chocolate. The almost hysterical hypochondria of most Americans, especially compared to us Brits who only go near a doctor when we HAVE to. I always wait to see if something gets better on its own----and never take pills or even a Tylenol. That has worked for me for decades So many examples of American paranoia that I shall return to the subject in future columns. Recent example: American lady wrote to Miami Herald's Action Line May 2003: Is there any way to disinfect a book that was loaned to a friend who has pneumonia?" The Herald gave a brilliant answer: DON'T BOTHER.Unfortunately they spoiled it by elaborating in 10 more paragraphs and telling her where she could also buy a UV sterilizer for up to $3000.DAN RATHER....the worst news anchor on American TV, with the wooden, almost forced delivery of a ventriloquist's dummy and utter lack of warmth or animation.
► FLORIDA COLUMN MAY 2003 ISSUE
BRIT-STATS1) : Governor Jeb Bush has just confirmed that Florida now has more international vistors than the other 40 states; New york is second, California third. Beating all previous records for British visitors, F,lorida had 1.516 million visitors from the UK. I can tell from the unprecedented queries I've had since 2002 from UK da visitors wanting immigration info. 2) The World Health Organisation just released this: Only 19% of Americans smoke, 27% of Brits do. 25% of Americans are overweight, only 10% of Brits are. Americans spend vastly more per capita on healthcare than the UK, yet they die years earlier: $4,631 per person in USA compared to $1763 in UK. Of course, a main reason is many USA hospitals pad the bills to swindle insurance companies. A friend here told me his hospital bill itemised $13 for a small box of Kleenex costing $1.99 at Walgreens. It's never what one spends on anything, it's always how it's spent.WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT FLORIDA [some supplied by readers] : Strangers say Hi when you are walking on the street .It's been a long time since that happened regularly in England. My lady-friend , an American college professor from Charleston, whom I met on UJ's Brit Dateline. Parking your car, and finding it there when you get back, whether you lock it or not. Florida's ban on smoking in public places, law in July----Many Brits say they will return to pubs they deserted due to droves of British men stinking up the air. And smoking too. American Idol----am addicted to the show watching all those plucky young American hopefuls trying to make it. WHAT GRATES ABOUT FLORIDA : "Ness" words!! Tacking 'ness' on to the end of a word, making a word that doesn't exist, to camouflage a sadly lacking vocabulary. It's not a Wellness Center, it's a Health Centre.... which brings me nicely to....Appalling spelling and pronunciation----I thinkearly settlers must have lost the dictionary overboard on their way here, and fudged what they couldn't quite remember. Boring American sports -- we all know what they are. I am sad for our American friends, getting so emotional over so little. A good dose of the Barbarians and the All Blacks in full cry would probably give them all a heart attack!! James Lipton on Bravo TV's The Actor's Workshop. His unctuous, sycophantic, fawning over the celebrity guest ruins the programme.Saying NORMALCY when it should be NORMALITY. I have heard American TV anchors saying "He should have WENT." You're not even allowed to be Tea Lady at the BBC with grammar like that. SAWED off shotgun instead of SAWN off. FIT instead of it FITTED. He SPIT instead of he SPAT. Does nobody know what a past participle is? Pronouncing Halloween as Holloween. American chefs creating desserts with city in California------it's CARAMEL not CARMEL, for God's sake. Every American says EXHIBIT when they mean EXHIBITION. An exhibit goes in an exhibition. Every year I work on a major art exhibition promotion with an American PR company and I have to wince a hundred times a week as the lovely people there tell me about their exhibit instaed of their exhibition.
► Published APRIL 2003 ISSUE [Some of these were submitted by my readersWHAT'S GREAT ABOUT THE USAThe "young at heart" attitude of (most) American Seniors. The competitive entrepreneurship shown by American small businesses.Catering for the traveler at frequent intervals close to Freeways. The "401K Retirement Plan" given by many employers. Sensible rates of Sales Taxes----as opposed to V.A.T. Love the Customer-Is-King -We'll-do-Everything-to-Keep-You-from-Going-to-Our-Competitor service. Find the same item on sale for 6c less down the street and we'll match you pruchase price, give you back the difference a hundred times over and get you a date with Britney Spears. The warmth and friendliness of most Americans . Finding stores open at all hours. Lowcost of eating out. Lots of great channels on TV ----never thought I'd say that! WHAT GRATES ABOUT THE USAThe exorbitant costs of Medical Insurance----After experiencing both, give me Socialised Medicine! The stingy number of vacation days given to full time employees in USA----you're lucky to get 15 days after 5 years! Having to be a millionaire to be elected to political office. The exuberant "idolising" of children by parents with a "they can do no wrong" attitude. The (almost) total lack of international team sports. How the winners of the N.F.L. Super-Bowl are declared "World Champions" when teams from only one Nation participate. Ditto of Baseball's "World Series," (although there are a couple of Canadian teams. The vile "shaving cream" atop birthday cakes sold at American supermarkets. How I miss the fresh cream you get between English meringues. Pronouncing CRAIG as KREG. There's no E in Craig. Asthma pronounced as azma presumably just to avoid saying ass. Jesse Jackson---the shameless publicity seeker, with no apparent mandate from anyone but himself, who slithers his way into every media-covered event. Ignorance of and arrogance towards other countries; Lack of respect for other religions/ways of life . Men wearing hats in restaurants . Lack of public transportation .
► Published in February 2003 Ann Curry, interviewing MISS MANNERS on NBC' The Today Show commented on a perceived UK-USA snobbery. She said "The English view Americans as failed Englishmen." One of the most profound assessments I've ever heard…………Who's going to tell our American friends what Wanker means?? On the December 30 NBC Today Show I sprayed out my coffee at hearing Matt Lauer drop the word casually. Discussing a new website called www.greatboyfriends.com, he asked the interviewee "How does the woman know this guy is not a boring wanker?" [I nearly died]. But then she used it in her answer and Matt Lauer used it a third time! You could tell they both had no idea of its sexual meaning. Wot a giggle………………………… UK-USA CULTURAL CORNER:WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT USA Some supplied by my raeders] :BBQ. Nothing beats some good 'ol baby back ribs. Mmm! Investing. How easy it is in USA for the average person to invest in stocks and mutual funds. Although, maybe that's currently not such a 'great.' Howard Stern Radio Show---my morning commute wouldn't be the same without him.Right turn on red light . Self adhesive postage stamps . Chilli's frozen Margaritas WHAT GRATES:Lack of boobs on American television----What happened to the so-called 'freedom of expression'? Hearing the "soccer sucks" argument for the umpteenth time from bone-headed American football fans who just don't understand the game. Why can't Americans say "Wimbledon ?" Why must they always say "Wimpleton ?" They keep calling our medical system "Socialized" (Like Russia) instead of Nationalized like Canada. Mimicking our accents and not getting it right. Lack of variety of foodstuffs, especially chilled and frozen (Sainsbury's and M&S I miss you!) Appalling standard of driving . Lack of affordable health care.
► Published in January 2003 [Note:Some of these were submitted by expat readers of my newspaper column, but 80% mine] UK-USA CORNER WHAT'S GREAT:The stunned look on an American faces when an English accent comes out of a black face………. American Infomercials---I have an insomniac's treasure trove of stuff bought from 4a.m. infomercials…….Katie Couric on the tODAY show--thoroughly natural, no American showbiz conceit…..Six-Lane highways , Xmas sales starting before Xmas, coffee………..24-hour diners, 24-hour supermarkets, drive-through windows, free refills……….Shop assistants who say "Have a nice day" when you leave (hey, it's better than silence)………Takeout/delivery menus from every restaurant, online banking made easy……….Americans who tend to compliment people so easily (so what if they don't really mean it, it's nice to hear that someone thinks your dress is fabulous, even though you know it's drab and awful)…………..Calling doggy daycare/kennels something like "Canine Hotel & Spa Resort." ……………..The exceptionally high standard of living and friendliness of the people in general.WHAT GRATES: Every time George Bush. Our President, the Leader of the Whole World, says NEWKILEER instead of NUCLEAR. Embarrassing…...The tea here--- any tea, iced tea……….. The spectacularly vulgar, outre Christmas decorations on some Florida houses. Baby Jesus [remember him?] would be cringing in his manger at the sight of them………People who say "aksed" instead of "asked." …….Americans who say "I could care less" when they mean they could NOT care less………….Everyone who insists that the food in the UK is awful (it's not!)…………..American table manners………..The uterly bad way many American men dress, lacking style and wearing clothes that don't fit, some times to camouflage their huge fat guts…..The driving standards on the roads of South Florida…..Old Floridians who constantly complain and can't drive……Cost of all types of insurance…..Too many dreadful non-creative adverts on American TV.
► Published JANUARY 2002 For 2002, I wish you Love and Money. In that order. It's sooooo easy to make the second in America, yet so hard to find the first here. The break-ups of British-American marriages are so common, I get hundreds of calls and emails a year from Brits related to this topic, almost more than any other. Got more than usual recently, hence this cautionary piece in my column. "Patricia, am going through a terrible divorce from this American. Can you help me find a job etc." They pour their heart out about the disaster of their mixed-culture marriage. The major beef from British males is that American women seem to come out of the womb saying Money not Mommy. English women say American men are so gripped by watching sports they wouldn't let Britney Spears sit on their face if the Dolphins were on. Brits who come over here with existing British partners, and I know many personally, are tangibly happier, enjoy life here more and stay together. It's not that there is anything wrong, per se, with Americans, but they're foreigners to us and our culture and our sense of humour and our football and our food an a thousand more ands. That's why I also cannot fall in love with an American, however lasso-and-throw-me-over-his-horse- sexy he may be. Depth and character and intellect and integrity and loving warmth and the sense of what really matters in life is what I crave. Not money. While this is a great, stupendous country to live in, many transplanted Brits confide that have never been emotionally happy here. I empathise. In 11 years here in fab but flaky Florida, the only real love I found was my 1996-99 four years with an Englishman. Americans I know cannot give me in-the-veins happiness, intimacy, camaraderie, cerebral stimulation and bloody good fun. I've recently met the most adorable, perfect-for-me Englishman here [with afore-mentioned qualities], and while overjoyed enough to put it in print, it's early walk-on-eggshells days for this relationship and I'm hoping like hell he wants to keep me. So, I say this to you for The New Year, to create your greatest chance of happiness and decrease this epidemic of Brit-American unpleasant uncouplings. DON'T even think of marrying an American just to get a Green Card. [Although the upfront business marriages fare better than the romantic ones because there are no illusions to shatter]. Marry one who is a true Anglophile and can get in our heads. Attend British events to mix with potential soulmates. Don't marry outside your culture at all until you are really sure and have spent at least 2 years witrh your foreign lover, say I.
► Published MARCH 2002 UK-USA CULTURAL CORNERWatched actor Robson Green, a gorgeous Geordie in great demand on British TV, talking on BBC America's Parkinson show. "There's a phoniness about America...there just is," he told Parky. "Mind you, I probably went to the wrong place-----Florida."
► Published FEBRUARY 2002 UK-USA CULTURAL CORNERTwo things have always registered amazement with me. That Americans, so vocal about loving their country, rarely call themselves Americans. "I'm Italian." No, Honeybunch. Marcello Mastroanni and Sophia Loren are Italian. You have a Joe Pesci accent and watch the Sopranos. 'I'm British-----my family came over on the Mayflower 3 hundred years ago." No comment necessary on that howler. The other is their frequent comment: "Oh you British are so polite." Well, I find Americans far more polite, because they usually PR-veneer their true feelings. Brits are frank, direct and open which sometimes comes over as brusque and impolite. So it did not shock me when I read the results of this official travellers survey published by Thomas Cook in the UK: Brits voted France the rudest country in the world. Jeez, who's going to argue with that? The same British holidaymakers voted the USA the friendliest of all overseas destinations. They also said the service in America was the best in the world." Yes, quite simply, it is.
► Published August 2002 YA GOTTA LARF DEPARTMENT: While in London's American Embassy recently I read a copy of THE AMERICAN, for Americans living in our capital. Slogan on front: The only newspaper published in Britain for all Americans. It's only 12 pages with no real news and few interesting ads, but two things caught my eye. Their help page for Americans in London called ESSENTIAL NUMBERS includes Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, not much iced tea poured in London pubs. And on the pack page a display ad: BRITISH LIFE COACH. Personal and professional help to create a new life. Phone for free session now. Presumably he teaches American transplants to cope with their new life at The Dog and Duck, The King's Head and The Pig and Whistle.
► Published December 2002.WHAT'S GREAT IN THE USA:Spotless public loos, virtually no vandalism, graffiti or lager louts, free coffee refills, free local phone calls, zillions of flavours of ice cream….. General warmth and friendliness of Americans, always so accepting of anything British……The awesome diversity and beauty of the country, truly purple mountains and majesty from sea to shining sea . Having more than 4 choices of TV channels! ………..President Bill Clinton---the sexiest American I've ever drooled over. The low cost of eating out in Florida. Wal-Mart. The Miami Herald newspaper. GRATES. Hearing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I make a point of saying Merry Christmas wherever I go. Just to swim against the tide. . No Boxing Day . Dying for a narscapatee instead of getting a glass of hot water and tagged teabag with all the flavour of gnats' pee . The inability of most Americans to pronounce nuclear, not to mention butchering Bernahd, Colon and Ceecil………….. "Gee I'm English too", claimed by Americans when it was their great Aunt once removed . The constant barrage of advertising, spoiling the countryside and towns . The limited exposure to truly international news, focusing 98% on US news the rest overseas…. Vocabulary-challenged TV reporters who describe use Nightmare in every story. David Letterman's smug smirk. Gargantuan blob people who pile their plates skyscraper high at All You Can Eat places. En route pronounced as enn rowt.......The classless, rude ex-New Yorkers in Boca Raton.
► Published August 2001FLORIDA IS AMERICA'S BRITISH COLONY. Further evidence that the Sunshine State's British community is burgeoning and American interest in us Cockneys, Scousers, Taffies, Mancunians, Brummies and Kocks, is reaching tidal wave propertions: Fortune Magazine in New York has me on phone for almost 6 hours helping them with article on "Affluent Brits retiring to Florida." [That ain't me yet, dahlings]......More requests from American companies for me to do British voiceovers.....At least 25 enquiries a month for lists of British companies in Florida......Batallions of Brits seeking immigration advice, frantic to bail out of Blairdom.....Unprecedented numbers of newly Greencarded British entrepreneurs starting up in businesses here........Requests for British club info.....Ft. Lauderdale's Sun-Sentinel did entire colour supplement on British business in Florida last month....WorldCity Magazine did similar colour feature in their handbook.........[can now paper entire house with my press clippings about Brits in Florida].........more resident young Englishmen begging me to find them an English rose here coz they cannot get close to Americans------still looking for steady British boyfriend myself [40-55, non-smoker professional should apply]......more UK TV companies flying over to produce what I call ENVY programmes [RICH BRITS WITH FABULOUS FLORIDA HOMES ] lapped up by deprived viewers in Doncaster.....More requests from agencies, reporters, general public for statistics on how number and location of Florida Brits [is that with or without the illegals, tee hee].....more British shops opening up....creation of more British websites supplying goodies for Brits….. major British beers being imported into Florida Britpubs [eg John Smith's two months ago] and Stella Artois is coming---company contacted me yesterday.....a British airline is planning to resurrect FT. Lauderdale-UK direct flights----they consulted with me 6 weeks at FT. Lauderdale airport meeting.....and barrels more indicators too numerous to mention.
► Published September 2001.I get so many requests from Brits for sundry advice that nothing ripples my pond. Until last week. An elderly distressed American lady called me. "Patricia...this is so important and I don't know who else to ask. My husband has just died. He is Irish and was always adamant that he did not want his last resting place to be in the USA. How do I get his body over to Ireland so he can rest in peace?" Getting her situation resolved made me think. I recalled the comment from a 55 year old Englishman in Miami once to us all: "yes, it's fabulous living in Florida, but my wife and I are going back to England to die." It's a deep and understandable feeling many expats have. So if you'd rather push up the daisies in Doncaster not Daytona, better make sure your American medical insurance has repatriation expenses built in. Mine does. Hey, I'm a long way off old age, but if I get hit before then by a Broward Transit Bus please sprinkle my ashes secretly over a corner of Buckingham Palace Gardens.
► Published September 2001.CHOCOLATE is one of Britain's national addictions, because ours is unequalled in taste. The Miami Herald reported that a frozen 60 year old bar of Hershey's chocolate has just been found intact at the South Pole. The 1937 Field Ration D bar was made to a special recipe to give to the military. Because they wanted serving soldiers to eke out the chocolate and not eat it frivolously, Hershey's explained that they made sure it "tasted just a little better than a boiled egg." So what's their excuse for making it taste no better in 2001????
UK-USA Opinion till 2007 
excerpts from her Union Jack Newspaper, Florida Brit Magazine, Mad Dogs and other publications written since 1991. These are first hand observations of the British-American cultural divide. [Still finishing this--massive job--editing down hundreds of my newspaper columns for the best bits and other sources, so excuse this work in progress--PK].